The Man in the Mirror

“….Our whole life is a forced happiness” concluded Chetan ending the long discussion.

We had had a dozen beers by then and a thought came to my mind – possibly the beer was kicking in. It’s strange that people don’t realize what a great catalyst alcohol can be – it works very well to bring out the most meaningful emotions of our inner self.

Later that night, I could not sleep. The whole conversation kept replaying in my head, making me realize that it’s actually quite true. My life has become a complex personality where the actual self no longer exist or has been locked somewhere deep down within me. This pretentious happy person on the outside is the image that I reflect to the world, very intelligently created by me.

Why..??????...well…because, I have somehow allowed the fake masks to grow on me hiding the real 'ME'. I now realize the ugly truth. All my live, I have worn these masks, so many and for so long that I have forgotten who I actually am.

My thoughts take me down memory lane. How did I transition into a person I see in the mirror. I think it started with a necessity, then as a defense mechanism in response to my surroundings. ‘Fear’,…Fear of being alone or left out of the crowd… fear of being judged by others. And finally, as a habit or addiction.

But the question is constantly burning inside me “why am I still not content?”. …Aren’t they supposed to make me happy??. Why this emptiness never leaves me. What is it about these masks that I so desperately hang on to them. I really fail to understand the logic. They are supposed to provide satisfaction that I crave, the ecstasy, the completeness. But over the time, they have taken away all that I have longed for. Now I realize, it’s too late and I can feel giving up to them.

Happiness, love, anger, sorrow, loss, tragedy.. nothing matters anymore. I don't react to anything or care about anything.. It's very difficult for me to feel any emotions. I can't cry no more. People who know me think I am very strong. What they don’t see is that these masks have made me a good actor. I wish I could tell them that behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind every laugh I am falling apart.. Tears fall from my eyes but my masks cover them up…my real self is dying…..

My denial and ignorance have acted as a fertilizer and water for these masks. They have grown stronger rooting deep inside me almost making it impossible to come off. I try to tear them off but my skin is coming off with it. It’s too painful…...

The irony is, many of us live our entire life dawning these masks, hiding and covering up who we truly are. As we journey through our live, we hide from the ones we love, the ones who love us and ultimately ourselves. We take on ourselves the clutter of life and piling on additional *stuff* to complicate our lives even more.

At the end I am still confused. Is being yourself better than pretending??, I am Standing alone…….. But I know that ultimately my time will come and I will be buried. Over a period of time my body will decompose and the only thing left would be these masks. Because, this is what people have seen all my life. Pity…….!!.

Well, I have no intentions to make it a parvachan or a gyan and I don’t even wanna sound some kind of baba whose opening your gyan chaksu. But I request you all to think for a minute and discover yourself. Ask your self.. Is there a mask on me? Have I reached a point where it has taken over my soul? Do I wish to tear them apart? I would say it’s good to cry out loud once in a while. At least the fake masks are washed away. The problem is, the longer you wear them, harder it becomes to take them off.....

Give it a thought…..

WOMAN FOR A DAY

A lot of time I hear women boasting and showing superiority of their womanhood. Most of my arguments with women usually end up with the phrase “You can’t cuz you are not a woman”.

And in my annoyance, I would often wonder ‘How difficult it can be’. Well for me difficult would be pushing an elephant or maybe giving a massage to a mosquito, but being a woman…huh. One Sunday afternoon, after encountering the same situation, I open a bottle of beer to cool myself off. I sit on the couch with a feeling “maybe I can live a life of a woman and show that it’s actually not a big deal. I think of a miracle that suddenly I would change into a woman. I hear a voice and when I turn around, I see a bright light. I see someone saying “I am your Lord God and I fulfil your wish”. Before I could say something, I see a sudden change in my body…my upper body starts protruding out and the lower one into a cavity.

I wake up suddenly and see myself sweating profusely. Whoa...I must have had a dream. I take few seconds to catch my breath and my hands unknowingly reach my chest and I feel large bumps on my chest. A horrifying thought comes to my mind that it’s actually not a dream. I run to the bathroom. Place myself in front of the mirror. My eyes are still closed and praying...No God…please, please let this be just a dream. I take off my t-shirt and look in the mirror. I scream in distress. It is a reality. I have been transformed into a......”WOMAN”.

I am in a state of panic. I have curves in place of cuts. I take some time to digest this feeling and try to cope up with the reality. I say to myself. “Calm down calm down…How difficult it can be”. Now that it has happened, let me see how’s being a woman. Suddenly, another bomb falls and the thought more devastating than Hiroshima or Nagasaki, haunts me. “Is it that time of the month?” My legs are trembling. Heart is beating faster than a Concorde. I examine and fortunately, it’s not. Otherwise, given my male upbringing my first reaction would be to look for a band-aid.

Without further ado, I find myself in a toilet in an effort to solve the toilet imbroglio. I make an honest effort to lift my skirt and try to pee standing up. I realise that there’s nothing to take an aim and after tinkling over an area of five square feet, I finally understand why it should be done sitting.

Now that I have come in terms with me being a woman, I take it as a challenge to live a normal feminine life. Next challenge is getting dressed. Frankly, I haven’t ever really understood girly fashion so I begin by discovering my feminine side.

And after two hours I am still figuring out……..

I give up and make up my mind to buy something new, something more girly. So I just wear a basic jean and a tee. By the time I am ready, I realise it has taken more than an hour to dress myself. How in the world this happened, still bugs me.

I visit a famous show room with all the latest fashion designs. I start looking at the latest trends and see what I want to wear. Hmm......Well definitely I decide to wear something that would make the guys heart and eyes pop out. I look for a top which would just reveal as much cleavage as necessary and leave a lot to be imagined and desired (and they still say being a man is easy). Sorry for being naughty. And also something that would show my navel. I believe that a navel is one of God’s greatest gifts to women and she’s not doing enough with it.

So I choose the dress I wanna wear. I can see myself question why the store would charge me the price of a second hand Maruti for a simple dress. Unable to comprehend the equation, I finally decide to buy it.

I wear the new outfit and am looking quite stunning (nothing to laugh. actually I am). I can suddenly feel the effect in people eyes. At first I thought they are respecting me by not looking up to my face. But it feels weird with the feeling that people are actually talking to your chest instead of you and it has nothing to do with respect.

At the end of the day I have learnt a lot which I have not learnt in my whole life. I am able to distinguish between kajal, eye pencil, eye shadow and mascara. I have learnt the concepts of hair colouring, tints, shading, streaks and highlights. Learning that black can be boring when it comes to hair. I have also learnt how to over utilise your brain. I have had almost two million thoughts at one time and the brain cells are almost dying for a break. Also much crowded places like SN, Janpath, karolbagh can suddenly becomes a crave.

My head feels so heavy. I am so tired that I fall on the couch and suddenly reach the other world. I see Lord standing there and laughing at me. He mischievously asks me “so, how was the day?” And my expressions said it all. So he asks me "wanna continue"....I am left speechless. Realising that I have had enough, he calls it a day and raises his hand and say some gibberish words. Instantly, I feel peaceful and relaxed. I open my eyes and see myself on a couch. Curious, my hands automatically go down and I get a sense of manhood.

I look around and see that the bottle of beer is empty leaving me with a thought “was I really a woman for a day or…..”

Falling in Love

I remember watching this movie during my growing up days when sweet youth was knocking on the door. This movie has brought a radical change in me so I thought of sharing it with everyone.
The first thing that attracted me to watch the movie was the poster art. What I was impressed with was the use of black dress for angels instead of the traditional white with wings. Also, the presence of them all over the beach listening the music of the setting sun....esoteric…a beautiful experience humans don’t know.

The story is not extraordinary and one would say “what’s so special about this movie”. Seth (Nicolas Cage) is an angel. He falls in love with Maggie (Meg Ryan) who’s a doctor and a human. But the USP of the film is the projection of the strongest emotion called ‘Love’. Love so strong that drives an angel to give up eternity and become human...to feel fear, pain, hunger and most important...touch.

Seth learns that the only way to become a human and be with the one he loves is to fall from a skyscraper, a process termed as ‘free-Will’. Once he falls, he would become human. The movie relates ‘Free-will’ with the phrase ‘Falling in Love’. This movie made me understand what falling in love actually is. Giving up everything to be able to feel someone close to you even for a little time and then enjoying it till the last breath what love is all about.

Ironic as it is,.. just after Seth becomes human, in order to be with Maggie, she is killed in a bicycle accident (they just spend one day together as humans). He touches her for the last time. Seth is left alone to experience human pain, loss and loneliness.

Movie has a tragic end and one wonders everything that Seth did...‘Was it worth it’?

"Yes," I would say.

I have cried watching this movie and overwhelmed too at the same time. It has made me understand the true value of love and virtue of being happy. I have had my share of ‘Falling in Love’ experience .......and I have enjoyed every moment I have spent with my love. And trust me it’s the best thing bestowed on one (I think everyone knows this and everyone has gone through this at some point in time). ......... So my advice to all you guys.....Don’t lose hope...go ahead and ‘fall in love’.

** If you have not seen this movie, I request you all to watch this movie...rent it, buy it, download it....and if you have already watched this movie, please, please watch it again…and this time ‘feel it’.

I am leaving with few dialogues of this movie. Hope you feel them.

Viney

Maggie: To touch you... and to feel you. To be able to hold your hand right now. Do you know what that means to me? Do you - Do you know how much I love you?

Seth: I would rather have had one breath of your hair, one kiss, one touch of your hand, than eternity without it. One.