The Man in the Mirror
“….Our whole life is a forced happiness” concluded Chetan ending the long discussion.
We had had a dozen beers by then and a thought came to my mind – possibly the beer was kicking in. It’s strange that people don’t realize what a great catalyst alcohol can be – it works very well to bring out the most meaningful emotions of our inner self.
Later that night, I could not sleep. The whole conversation kept replaying in my head, making me realize that it’s actually quite true. My life has become a complex personality where the actual self no longer exist or has been locked somewhere deep down within me. This pretentious happy person on the outside is the image that I reflect to the world, very intelligently created by me.
Why..??????...well…because, I have somehow allowed the fake masks to grow on me hiding the real 'ME'. I now realize the ugly truth. All my live, I have worn these masks, so many and for so long that I have forgotten who I actually am.
My thoughts take me down memory lane. How did I transition into a person I see in the mirror. I think it started with a necessity, then as a defense mechanism in response to my surroundings. ‘Fear’,…Fear of being alone or left out of the crowd… fear of being judged by others. And finally, as a habit or addiction.
But the question is constantly burning inside me “why am I still not content?”. …Aren’t they supposed to make me happy??. Why this emptiness never leaves me. What is it about these masks that I so desperately hang on to them. I really fail to understand the logic. They are supposed to provide satisfaction that I crave, the ecstasy, the completeness. But over the time, they have taken away all that I have longed for. Now I realize, it’s too late and I can feel giving up to them.
Happiness, love, anger, sorrow, loss, tragedy.. nothing matters anymore. I don't react to anything or care about anything.. It's very difficult for me to feel any emotions. I can't cry no more. People who know me think I am very strong. What they don’t see is that these masks have made me a good actor. I wish I could tell them that behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind every laugh I am falling apart.. Tears fall from my eyes but my masks cover them up…my real self is dying…..
My denial and ignorance have acted as a fertilizer and water for these masks. They have grown stronger rooting deep inside me almost making it impossible to come off. I try to tear them off but my skin is coming off with it. It’s too painful…...
The irony is, many of us live our entire life dawning these masks, hiding and covering up who we truly are. As we journey through our live, we hide from the ones we love, the ones who love us and ultimately ourselves. We take on ourselves the clutter of life and piling on additional *stuff* to complicate our lives even more.
At the end I am still confused. Is being yourself better than pretending??, I am Standing alone…….. But I know that ultimately my time will come and I will be buried. Over a period of time my body will decompose and the only thing left would be these masks. Because, this is what people have seen all my life. Pity…….!!.
Well, I have no intentions to make it a parvachan or a gyan and I don’t even wanna sound some kind of baba whose opening your gyan chaksu. But I request you all to think for a minute and discover yourself. Ask your self.. Is there a mask on me? Have I reached a point where it has taken over my soul? Do I wish to tear them apart? I would say it’s good to cry out loud once in a while. At least the fake masks are washed away. The problem is, the longer you wear them, harder it becomes to take them off.....
Give it a thought…..
